maybe...
Now Playing: Wonderwall - Ryan Adams
so here we go, i apparently have turned into one of those people who feel it necessary to create a blog in order to let loose their apparently inimportant mental wranglings on the world. don't really know how this is going to turn out, but i'm going to give it a go.

am currently meant to be revising for uni exams, have two this week, and since i've blatantly messed up the two i have already taken by producing a play 48 before my first exams, i've got to do better in these ones if they're going to let me stay at uni next year. except I can't revise, to be honest, never really can. maybe i'm in some kind of denial, but i actually can't just sit down and read some of my books. philosophy doesnt really lend itself to light reading.

plus i'm feeling particularly down for some reason. not sure why, probably just caught as usual in one of my many over-reflective on past and personal life moods, which seem to always take over at times like this. so i'm sat at my computer, planning next theatre-themed projects, drinking neat southern comfort and smoking ample amounts of menthols. hardly the clean-cut student lifestyle (though part of me has to admit i secretly feel just so cool mentally bleeding through the smoke and booze).

went to watch lels skate last night. was just going to meet jon for a drink at the aardvark, didnt realise lels and a load of the rootes girls + others would be there. anyway, not sure they really know how to take me but they were nice enough. after we mooched into cov and stood in the freezing cold watching lels smoke. justification? dont have one - just felt like a bit of a groupie. guess i keep trying to tell myself that i'm just not interested anymore, i mean, its never be requited and i'm best just giving up on it, but theres just something about that boy. he's arrogant, naive and completely socially inept at times, but i still can't give up on the dream. jon doesn't get it, but then, he never did. don't know if its cause he feels things for me, have never been sure of that, theres nothing from my side, and we're living together next year. don't know what lels thinks of me, think after junk he might finally get me, but don't know whether thats a good thing

and then theres matt. he still stays here, lots. its bad, we haven't slept together in months, but we still sleep together. we broke up over two months ago, and everyone else thinks thats it. but its not. i don't find him attractive. hes just so nice, and he looks after me, when i tire myself out so much i can't look after myself.

screwed up.